These are all pretty obvious questions one would ask herself after leaving a comfortable, successful, life, loved by many wonderful friends, with two gorgeous houses, an important family heritage (intellectual, not monetary!), at ease anywhere in the world provided I had what I wanted.
The obvious, initial answers were: this is a magic place, it speaks to me like no other before, I love deserts, I'm very interested in the Native American culture, I met some lovely people.
The hard truth was: nothing of that is holding. It's not enough to support a new life and everything has changed too much since the "love at first sight" moment.
A few things followed: I looked for like minded people, I engaged myself in some voluntary work, I went to the gym, etc. The obvious. Then I ended up in a known (safe?) territory: I started a business, again. My seventh. Why? Go figure...but later I did figure out why. It was what I knew well, what would absorb me fully, 24x7, leaving no space for existential questions. A safe heaven. So, the usual neck ache, anxiety, fear for not succeeding, as well as learning everything from scratch about the industry, players, trends.
I also experienced panic as never before like when I was denied a Visa! Where did I turn to for advice and cheering up? To myself (and at times to Skype reaching out to my old friends back home)
Until...9 years later...I collapsed. In a big way.
I was not 30 anymore and I have never been so sad for myself. For the first time I was on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown. I was alone. I didn't know what to do nor who I was anymore. I was lost and I knew it was the end, the end of many things, many me, many dreams.
If it sounds too dramatic compared to being attacked by a mini-drone, or losing a house to fire, or going to war, well, I agree. But in my small personal world it was huge and all new.
However....what happened was also unexpectedly really good.
I made it through on my own, struggled, did some hard to take reality checks, counted my wounds. It reminded me of Galileo Galilei's saying "what goes up must come down", but the other way around and slightly personalized: one needs to go down to then come back up!
I also realized that this place is no heaven, it's not magic, it's a hard place to survive in if you are not native.
So, I came to the conclusions that:
1.you make a place your own wherever you are, not the contrary
2. to leave the nest where you were born and grew up it's always dangerous. No friends, you know...those you can call anytime during the night; no support system like the doctor who knows you since you were a child or the person who knows where you come from and what your values are. So it is OK not to feel at home.
To present it here in an even more tragic way, if you add A+B+C below the challenge is seriously huge! OPTIONAL READ.
A. people here are very un-physical and don't touch each other much. We hug a lot!
This is not an embracing community. All Europeans and Asians living here agree on this, at least all the ones I met and talked with at times.
B. Looking at the number of Meetup groups explains the above well: you need to be entrepreneurial for your own social survival, get out, look for others, not necessarily friends. Friends are no longer there, you must find them, maybe not in the circles you would have thought of before.
Many people are transient, so when you think you have finally found someone you like, he or she are gone!
C. Nobody in the new place, at least in this place, really gives a s*@#t about you unless you are: very interesting, wealthy, entertaining, successful, always happy&positive etc. Not too different either. No time to get to know yet a new arrival!! I have never been a social climber, even less here.
The next steps were rather interesting, although demanding. I slowly went down the list: I scrolled through all the mistakes I made in my life to find a pattern. I tried to match me-yesterday with me-today. Most difficult is the phase where I focused on engaging myself in getting to know who I am, no matter how many nights it takes. Each attempt takes you one step forward!
In the meantime you need to reinvent your life, make new exciting mistakes, try to explain what you are going through to people staring at you with questions marks in their eyes. Also never lose sight of your bank account. Use your best will power to reply with kindness to your best friends from the past saying "I told you".
I lived through a variety of phases, some good, some not so good. But the big surprise was that I was still standing on my own legs! I actually felt as if my legs had become as strong as those of a biker!
I found again the strength to reconnect with my past without feeling all the things I felt before. I accepted myself, I also accepted the fact that I was not special except for myself. Sometimes I even liked who I was.
I knew I was going to be balanced again, strong, healthy, comfortable in my skin. I was going to like life! And I did that. Some times it requires some pushing and reminding, but that's ok.
So, why am I here???????
The first answers I have at the moment are: because I like challenges. Because I never accepted what came to me but wanted to create my own space or adventure. Because I needed to feel lost to rise again and feel that I am ok. To learn that "it can happen to me too" as opposed to "it can't happen to me, right?" attitude. Because I don't compromise nor accept to do something "that makes sense" just to be in line with what everybody else does. Because I had to run away from what I had to understand how precious it was.
And now I am enjoying the best time of my life! I reach out to people I would never have spoken with before; I enjoy all the strangenesses I find on my passage; I focus on feeling good as much as life allows me to, I have less expectations and more will power. I understand the power we have as animals of this planet when we learn to listen to our own feelings.
Que sera, sera? Sometimes!
Brief: I feel really good! I am open to life, not that life I thought it was the life prepared for me, rather whatever life I feel I can enjoy. Yes, I came here to learn about life. I came here to learn to say thank you for what I have or what I don't have. I came here to feel strong. And to be light.
I allow myself to say that this has been my journey from a safe prison to a conscious and free being.
Is it ME writing all this? Am I under some sort of Santa Fe influence?!
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind....
