WHY AM I HERE? Questions & Answers (to myself)

Why did I come here? Why did I leave there? What made me think that here was better than there? Better how? Can I face going back, in case?

These are all pretty obvious questions one would ask herself after leaving a comfortable, successful, life, loved by many wonderful friends, with two gorgeous houses, an important family heritage (intellectual, not monetary!), at ease anywhere in the world provided I had what I wanted.

The obvious, initial answers were: this is a magic place, it speaks to me like no other before, I love deserts, I'm very interested in the Native American culture, I met some lovely people.

The hard truth was: nothing of that is holding. It's not enough to support a new life and everything has changed too much since the "love at first sight" moment.

A few things followed: I looked for like minded people, I engaged myself in some voluntary work, I went to the gym, etc. The obvious. Then I ended up in a known (safe?) territory: I started a business, again. My seventh. Why? Go figure...but later I did figure out why. It was what I knew well, what would absorb me fully, 24x7, leaving no space for existential questions. A safe heaven.  So, the usual neck ache, anxiety, fear for not succeeding, as well as learning everything from scratch about the industry, players, trends.

I also experienced panic as never before like when I was denied a Visa! Where did I turn to for advice and cheering up? To myself (and at times to Skype reaching out to my old friends back home)

Until...9 years later...I collapsed. In a big way.
I was not 30 anymore and I have never been so sad for myself. For the first time I was on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown. I was alone. I didn't know what to do nor who I was anymore. I was lost and I knew it was the end, the end of many things, many me, many dreams.
If it sounds too dramatic compared to being attacked by a mini-drone, or losing a house to fire, or going to war, well,  I agree. But in my small personal world it was huge and all new.

However....what happened was also unexpectedly really good.
I made it through on my own, struggled, did some hard to take reality checks, counted my wounds. It reminded me of Galileo Galilei's saying "what goes up must come down", but the other way around and slightly personalized: one needs to go down to then come back up!

 I also realized that this place is no heaven, it's not magic, it's a hard place to survive in if you are not native.
So, I came to the conclusions that:
1.you make a place your own wherever you are, not the contrary
2. to leave the nest where you were born and grew up it's always dangerous. No friends, you know...those you can call anytime during the night; no support system like the doctor who knows you since you were a child or the person who knows where you come from and what your values are. So it is OK not to feel at home.

To present it here in an even more tragic way, if you add A+B+C  below the challenge is seriously huge! OPTIONAL READ.
A. people here are very un-physical and don't touch each other much. We hug a lot!
This is not an embracing community. All Europeans and Asians living here agree on this, at least all the ones I met and talked with at times.
B. Looking at the number of Meetup groups explains the above well: you need to be entrepreneurial for your own social survival, get out, look for others, not necessarily friends. Friends are no longer there, you must find them, maybe not in the circles you would have thought of before.
Many people are transient, so when you think you have finally found someone you like, he or she are gone!
C. Nobody in the new place, at least in this place, really gives a s*@#t about you unless you are: very interesting, wealthy, entertaining, successful, always happy&positive etc. Not too different either. No time to get to know yet a new arrival!! I have never been a social climber, even less here.

The next steps were rather interesting, although demanding. I slowly went down the list: I scrolled through all the mistakes I made in my life to find a pattern. I tried to match me-yesterday with me-today. Most difficult is the phase where I focused on engaging myself in getting to know who I am, no matter how many nights it takes. Each attempt takes you one step forward!

In the meantime you need to reinvent your life, make new exciting mistakes, try to explain what you are going through to people staring at you with questions marks in their eyes. Also never lose sight of your bank account. Use your best will power to reply with kindness to your best friends from the past saying "I told you".

I lived through a variety of phases, some good, some not so good. But the big surprise was that I was still standing on my own legs! I actually felt as if my legs had become as strong as those of a biker!

I found again the strength to reconnect with my past without feeling all the things I felt before. I accepted myself, I also accepted the fact that I was not special except for myself. Sometimes I even liked who I was.

I knew I was going to be balanced again, strong, healthy, comfortable in my skin. I was going to like life! And I did that. Some times it requires some pushing and reminding, but that's ok.

So, why am I here???????

The first answers I have at the moment are: because I like challenges. Because I never accepted what came to me but wanted to create my own space or adventure. Because I needed to feel lost to rise again and feel that I am ok. To learn that "it can happen to me too" as opposed to "it can't happen to me, right?" attitude. Because I don't compromise nor accept to do something "that makes sense" just to be in line with what everybody else does. Because I had to run away from what I had to understand how precious it was.

And now I am enjoying the best time of my life! I reach out to people I would never have spoken with before; I enjoy all the strangenesses I find on my passage; I focus on feeling good as much as life allows me to, I have less expectations and more will power. I understand the power we have as animals of this planet when we learn to listen to our own feelings.
Que sera, sera? Sometimes!  

Brief: I feel really good! I am open to life, not that life I thought it was the life prepared for me, rather whatever life I feel I can enjoy. Yes, I came here to learn about life. I came here to learn to say thank you for what I have or what I don't have. I came here to feel strong. And to be light.

I allow myself to say that this has been my journey from a safe prison to a conscious and free being.

Is it ME writing all this? Am I under some sort of  Santa Fe influence?!

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind....

The excitement is still here!

What am I talking about?
Let me first say that recently I have been straddling between two worlds, my previous one and the current one. I wanted to deal with old dusty issues I left behind. I should have left them behind!

And here, I finally decided to keep my company and my business. I know I announced big changes, creative solutions, and thought I was the best problem solver on earth.

Nope! So, I'm open for business with one caveat: I only accept nice and open minded people. How do I know? I just know. And I also learned to say no!

Coming to the excitement announced in the title, this is what I'm talking about. Since the first time I landed here I fell in love with Native American art. That was actually what brought me here in the first place.I was totally virgin about it. I learned everything by talking to old timers art connoisseurs and established dealers who were still going on the rez to find stuff! I then met artists who have been very good to me and patient with me. Even when I had my gallery in London, I have never been a big buyer that artists would even try to schmooze. Not at all. But I made friendships.

Over the years I followed these artists, saw them bloom and become well known. And when possible I bought something. Before to sell, then only for myself!

Every year when I came here in the summer, I couldn't wait to see my friends, and what I could spot that I could afford. The excitement of the chase! The first thing I would always do, still jet-lagged, was to drive up to Ranchos de Taos where I had a marvelous friend who had a marvelous gallery and with whom I spent summer after summer with whenever it was possible. And then winters too!

Some wonderful years I was part of the shows with another friend who was a serious oriental art dealer. Oh, those years....

I have "done", meaning walked from north to south and west to east, the Santa Fe Indian Market since 1990! It was like going to school: I was looking, asking questions, comparing, and then start all over again!

Now that I feel I've done almost everything possible here, although I know there are many things I have on my wish list, I started becoming a bit anxious about the excitement of the "search". So this year, today, I did a test. I told myself: you take yourself to Native Treasures and see. Will I think "oh, same old" or "the usual" or will I feel that itch...you know what I'm talking about, right?

It's been fantastic! Met old friends, talked to new emerging artists, heard about the ins and outs of many, spent some time to know better someone I just discovered.  I felt so excited when I stopped to have a short conversation with a now very established artist that I think is quite phenomenal and different from all the others. I bought his first piece back then! Now I would not afford his most recent ones.
I discovered over the time that I have a good eye, a natural instinct for spotting promising artists, although not enough experience.

I also realized that I really felt at home there. When at the end I stopped to look at some jewelry that somehow I never bought, and the person who was helping asked me my name and then was able to tell my last name adding "I know I know you", my heart exploded. I definitely am part of all this. In my own Italian way.

In future shows will this young girl have become a famous weaver from her humble current role of carding?

My multilegged minuscule friend is back!

A miracle. He lives in the corner of the window facing north. Outside. He rolled his little body so tight, preparing for the winter, that he looked like half the size of a pea. I checked on him regularly, always there.

Some days the sun was out for a few hours and the air was nicely warm. I hoped to see him but he didn't open up.

I often thought of him wondering how he survived with no food (insects are all gone over the winter months), cold, lonely, Then I realized that his idea of  life is different from mine and that he certainly was perfectly happy doing he small spider winter things.

I have a confession to make: I forgot all about him (her?!) for a few weeks. Isn't it awful that one can forget a friend? Someone who managed to weave the most beautiful web strategically positioned to cover his butt and face the sun, who didn't scream at me when by mistake someone decided to clean the window (not me, no way, clean?) and destroyed his web. I thought he was gone and would never come back. But then there he was, a small web, enough to sit in the center of and wait for his lucky moment.

Winter, snow, wind. He always managed to make himself even smaller and stick to the corner of the wooden frame around the window.

Then...I didn't see his little body anymore. I put on my best glasses, I used a magnifying lens, I moved what was left of his web. No sign of my friend.

I started talking to myself, trying to keep some tears back. How could I dream that such a minute creature was meant to survive through a winter at 7000 feet? Why would he, just because I befriended him, be the only one in the world to survive? That's life, I have to accept it. After all there was no web left. Goodbye sweet one!

Today was one of those days when all my friends and business contacts decided to call me or Skype me. I had to send a really important text off to some people abroad. Kitties were still without any food. I had to book an adventure in California before leaving. I managed to have breakfast, wash up, get dressed in 15 minutes. Ready for the lecture I wanted to attend. A record, you will agree.
Ready, out of the door. Lock...and...OMG....there he was....sun tanning! The web is magnificent, all back as before.

I managed to take a picture to post here. He is such a weird thing. I call it a spider, he could well be something from another planet! But he is amazing! It looks like he has to tiny horns, a lot of  hair(legs?) falling down loose from his tiny body. He is funny, strange, silent, and sturdy!

I am so excited to have him back. It's a miracle. Miracles happen, don't they? I hope he can get some food soon and put on some wait.

Thank you little creature for staying with me!



This blow-up reveals a monster...help!!!!!!!

L'Uovo di Colombo...not such a good idea

I will be short: my idea didn't work. I should have known, really! Trying to put together an international business approach and a manana laid back "it will be all right" idea of business was plain wrong. It didn't last. The end.

From now on I won't announce my big ideas anymore! I will just do.

I am at a point in my life where I don't feel like explaining things. We are either made of the same cloth, or not.

Freedom!

L'Uovo di Colombo

Blog n.51!!! Beginning of a New Era?

How I came to a brilliant but obvious solution.
I was inspired by Cristoforo Colombo, whose reputation is now slightly tarnished, but his problem solving technique of finding an unexpectedly simple solution to a problem that seemed impossible is still a good one.

Colombo breaks the egg by William Hogarth

You can read the "real" story of the egg at the bottom of this page. I don't have an egg issue (had 2 this morning at breakfast though!!) but a life issue. To stop (working) or not to stop? Someone may remember that in my previous blog I said that I now want to live by choice rather than by habits. True. Not always easy though!

I finally chose to continue working, but not totally. Not as before! I want to have more time to play/read/wander around. But no, I can't let go of all the work I have done and, yes, the passion for this land is still there. If only I could avoid learning about the too many horrible things that humankind is doing to destroy it...but let's keep smiling for the time being, okay?!!

And here comes the egg!

I need someone to complement me in my work! (Merriam-Webster:  something that fills up, completes, or makes perfect) Exactly!

Someone with experience, with an independent spirit like mine, who is enthusiastic about life in general.

Bang! The egg hit my mind and I called her. Deal! We have a plan and we know how to share the work.

The new Seven Directions is called (changes may occur, check the website in a month!)

SEVEN DIRECTIONS | Travel Consultant

Hand Made Travel Concepts and Programs 

Personally Crafted by Patrizia (beautiful photo!)

Turnkey programs are provided in conjunction with an established travel agency.

The big change is that I feel free, which means that I'm not compelled to accept to work with whomever calls me. I can say no!!!

I can often tell from the first hello if the person is one I want to work with or not. I learned this through all my consulting over the millennia!

Unbelievably, since the decision has been reached, the phone began ringing: Canada, Italy, France, US...yeiiii!! 

Now I need a really nice picture, any photographer with touch-up skills out there????

Note: the white background is not my idea, I don't know how to fix it and I don't think it matters. Do you??? 

L'Uovo di Colombo:

The origin of this phrase is a popular, probably false anecdote, which has the Genoese navigator Christopher Columbus as its protagonist. After his return from America in 1493, Columbus was invited by Cardinal Mendoza to a dinner in his honor. Here some Spanish gentlemen tried to downplay him, saying that the discovery of the New World would not have been so difficult and that anyone could do with proper means. Hearing this, Columbus was angry, and challenged the Spanish nobles in what seemed an easy enterprise: make an egg stand upright on the table. Each of them made several attempts, but none succeeded and they gave up, convinced it was an insoluble problem, and begged Columbus to show a solution. Columbus tapped the egg gently on the table breaking it slightly and the egg stood upright. When bystanders protested, saying that they could do the same too, Colombo said, "The difference, my friends, is that you could have done it, but I did."



 

January 1st, 2015

I really like the first day of the year. The other two days I also like are March 21st, beginning of Spring (and my wedding!) and August 19, my birth day.
It's all about beginnings, coming alive, starting again, hoping.

So today is the day to reach out to you all to

wish you an exciting year if you want to make it so

 

and to begin writing again here after too many months of silence. It's been an interesting 8++ months, bad and good, filled with fears and happiness. Just life stuff that has been useful to bring me where I am today: happy!


When I started this blog my intention was to bring you on some of my travel adventures and discoveries. I wanted to share the emotions that this land can unexpectedly bring out. I also happen to get carried away by memories and feel the urge to write them down. 
Today you have to allow me to change somewhat because I feel I have to tell you something about where I am as Patrizia 

and not as a traveler.

Ready?
BACKGROUND
We are living in a complicated world that at times feels on the brink of explosion, or, better, implosion. This makes a lot of us feel unsettled, angry, powerless, revengeful, hopeless, lost. I did actually feel exactly that way.

On a more personal level, at the end of a very unusual time for me when I felt extremely uncomfortable both with myself and with the whole world, near and far, followed by another period where the world seemed to smile to me and tell me how much love was all around me, I had to stop and ponder.

Santa Fe offers the best atmosphere for this sort of meditating mode in which one can surrender without fear to be ridiculed or laughed at. So, I'm lucky! I recommend to consider coming here if you need to change gear!

PROCESS
Some key points I reached through my thoughts:

• I am a very lucky person despite the many challenges I hade to live through
• I was able to change my life by choice which opened several doors for me that I could decide to walk through or not. I did.
• I experienced new ways of going through life and I began living by choices rather than by habits.

Despite the enormous number of negative and often horrendous things around me and us all, finally my view on the world changed from "to destroy" to "there is something...well kind of...maybe...good at the end of the tunnel".

• But it was up to me to see the light rather than the dark side of everything, the beautiful human beings rather than the criminals and crooks. It is hard to do this, often too hard, but there is hope.

RESULTS

• In short, I chose to be happy which represent the beginning for being a better person. If you are happy you are more available, you listen to other ideas with an open mind, you want to join other people to do things together, things you believe in and they too. Think about it and tell me if you agree.
  

• I also realized that it's a question of time. If one wants to open up to the world, be available for others, learn from others, read, meet new people, be active in the community, well he or she must make sure to free up some time! And not be dead tired at the end of the day. Without time and good spirit one can't experience anything beyond the personal life routine. Hence...I had to stop working. This was a huge decision for me, a workaholic with 50+ years of 24x7, and 10-15 hours of actual working time a day.

At the same time I decided to quit smoking. Excruciating experience... and it's not over!!!

HUMAN FACTORS (indecision)
I stopped working and I didn't, I cancelled some contracts to then find new ones. This went on for a while until I felt stupid! At this point my only choice was to listen, as I always do when I'm lost, to my guts  It is amazing how quickly it kicks in to help you! Once you have a goal or an idea, your gut instinct begins to lead in the direction one needs to go in order to accomplish the task he or she has set out to complete.

EXTERNAL HELP
Don't be shy, I was telling myself, reach out to people around you, your friends, they may say a word that hits your imagination, or your heart, that prompts a reaction and BANG you see clear in front of you! I felt drawn to conversations with people I would not normally speak with. It's been a great experience.

WHERE I AM TODAY
This may sound all too easy but I can't tell you the step by step process I went through because it wouldn't be that interesting for you! I can tell you the conclusion of my search: I don't stop but I change the focus.

In a nutshell, Seven Directions will be a travel consulting company with........No, I can't continue, so sorry! I must make sure I know what exactly my business will change into and what my new adventure partners' final dreams are. I'm sure about mine!

The first day of the year is coming to an end.  I did what I planned to do including a walk on an unusually empty Canyon Road and through Patrick Smith Park breathing deep the crisp and pure air.

A good first day. I am happy.

Departures

It's that time when one can let go of all the stresses, to do lists, anticipation: it's now! Lock the door behind you and off you go!
This is probably one of the reasons I ended up in the travel business. Because it doesn't matter to me if I am leaving with a group on a long tour or with friends on a weekend jaunt. It is the unknown that is exciting.

I remember when I left on a first class flight (first and only time!) offered by Singapore Airlines to join their top managers for a meeting on Public Affairs. Actually I was so concerned about the business that I didn't quite take full advantage of that luxury. But I ended up in a cockpit used for training, wow! That other time when I went for my Christmas vacation to Burma for the first time (I hate the new name Myanmar!) -it was the year 2000- where I met a group of women with whom I'm still friend after many years.

Bagan, year 2000

And when alone I drove up the Black Mountains looking for quilts (I was so terrified that I took a one way road on the wrong direction that was only for trucks!).            

On all these occasions I had no idea of what the trip was going to be, what kind of people I was going  to meet or travel with, next to whom I was going to be sitting for hours on the plane. Every single time I met interesting people I thought I would never forget, but of course I did. But not all. For some small details -a comment, a gesture- they stay in my memory and appear from time to time in my mind to say hello.

Once I was flying from Milan to London and next to me on the other side of the aisle a man was sitting looking very pale. When the plane started moving he turned to me and said "can I hold your hand?" He was terrorized. We held hands until we landed, then said goodbye.

Recently I joined a small group of really great people for just a weekend adventure. Jaunts and road trips are for me the best, but only if they are in the Southwest desert. Nothing can beat the amazing landscapes of the Four Corners!  I knew only a few but it seemed that we had grown up together. A weekend made of simple things: one found some fun stuff in a highway store, another one sang cowboy songs all along, some had a bit of dope, and others just discovered each other. We were alive, happy, and worry-less.

Even when I ride on a coach with some 20 or 30 people, despite the tension and long days, we create a sort of micro-world that becomes our cocoon for some time. Suddenly we share personal stories, memories, photographs, always medications (!) and often sing and cheer at the old CDs I bring on my tours.

Strangely, it's when you are with someone you never met before that you feel you can be yourself. Together, in those moments, or days, we share everything: excitement, discoveries, music, food and everything else around us. It's magic!

Departures are for me the salt of life.